Relationships are the foundation of human connection and experience. From family, to friends, to lovers, partners and spouses, relationships allow us to feel a sense of belonging, a sense of self and fill a deep need in us as human beings. Healthy relationships allow us to explore and nurture ourselves, to grow and become our best selves. They encourage a give and take that relies on trust, safety and unconditional love, and do not create constant competition, ongoing resentment or suspicion. When there is a disagreement, argument, or misunderstanding, healthy relationship encourage us to validate each person’s feelings, to communicate without fear of retribution, to hear the other person out, to take responsibility for actions or words that hurt, and to repair the relationship. In healthy relationships, we try to not cause intentional hurt, and to learn from when we unintentionally hurt the other person. Alas, we are human. Our earliest relationships with family shape our experience of relationships. Our individual attachment style has its roots in how our parents relate to us, nurture us and bond with us. What boundaries exist, if any? How are feelings expressed and received? Does love come unconditionally? Are we cherished, loved and supported, or are parents emotionally unavailable, abusive or neglectful? For many people, families are unsafe, a source of trauma and/or conflict and lay a foundation of distrust and uncertainty in future relationships. For some of us, family is actually toxic, and we struggle with what boundaries we want, as we navigate the longing for a family we needed but doesn’t exist, the hope that they will change, and the desire to cut ties in some way. Confusion, anger, hurt, pain and disappointment become a constant loop in interactions You carry your family foundation in relationships into all of your future relationships: romantic, friendship, collegial, partners and spouses. The struggles you have with family show up when you feel abandoned when a friend does not respond to messages. They appear when you argue with a partner or spouse and become passive aggressive, instead of outright angry. They show up as fear of intimacy in both sexual and personal relationships, unable to be vulnerable for fear of hurt, pain or abandonment. Often, the ability to identify and set healthy boundaries in relationships stem from family experiences of boundary setting. Perhaps you have wondered: What boundaries I need with family and others? How do I set boundaries with family and others that will allow me to grow and change unhealthy patterns? How do I communicate my feelings and needs more effectively? What fears do I have in my relationships? How does my trauma impact my relationships? How do I cope with the many feelings I have about setting boundaries with others, including if I want to limit or stop contact with someone? How do I maintain the boundaries I set? Therapy is a space in which you can explore all of these, and other questions. It is a place to unpack family patterns of interacting, attachment, your own needs and how you interact with the important people in your life. It is a non-judgmental space in which you can sit with your feelings, explore boundaries and communication. It allows you to nurture the person you want to be in relationships with self-compassion, kindness and acceptance.
